#1 - How can a Team Leader master healthy boundaries?

Hi Ianthi! I would be very grateful if you could provide your guidance / thoughts on the below subject: How can a Team Leader master healthy boundaries without being rude, bossy, aggressive or offensive and how should he/she react when these are not respected.

Thank You!

Xxx

Dear Xxx,

Thank you for reaching out!

This is a very important topic – maintaining healthy boundaries as a Team Leader – and I’m glad you raised it because it affects many of us.

In my opinion, there is no magic formula, simply because not everybody interprets behaviours in the same way. Some may see one’s behaviour as offensive or aggressive whilst others may not see it that way at all. It has a lot to do with differences in personality, the experiences we’ve been exposed to in life and how we’ve processed them over time. Having said that, I believe there are some basic ‘rules’ that apply across the board.

How to set healthy boundaries as a Team Leader

Communicate your expectations clearly

Whatever you ask for, be clear about it and give a reason for it e.g. “I will need to be updated on the progress of this project on a weekly basis because I need this information for the meetings I have with the Steering Committee every Friday”. Or “I have an open-door policy but when I already have someone in my office, I’d appreciate it if you waited until they left so that each person gets my full attention. However, if it’s urgent (and be explicit here because people’s definition of ‘urgent’ varies), feel free to interrupt.”

Practise what you preach

Simply put, model the behaviour you want to see in others. If you don’t want any office gossip, don’t engage in any yourself. If you want to be treated with respect, treat your team members with respect. If you want people to work hard and to put in extra hours, be willing to do it yourself. If you want the noise levels to be relatively low in the office, don’t shout instructions from your office. Go and find the person you want to talk to or call them.

Show appreciation

When people respect the boundaries you’ve set, show your appreciation. If they’ve been waiting to see you for a long time, thank them for waiting for you. If they’ve provided you with the weekly update, thank them, even if it was expected of them. If they’ve worked extra hours, tell them that you appreciate the extra effort and reward it – either with overtime pay or by allowing them to leave early another day. Don't take anything for granted because your boundaries may take effort getting used to.

Be consistent and avoid having favourites

Setting boundaries is one thing, maintaining them is another. Consistency is key and boundaries need to be applied across the board and over time. No favouritism or mixed messages, otherwise your credibility will be questioned and you will be surrounded by disgruntled and confused employees. Even if you get along with certain team members more than you do with others (which is only natural), try to keep your boundaries in place and not to overshare because as a friend you may be perfect but as a Team Leader they may have expectations of you that you cannot meet – either because you can’t or because you don’t want to. And that in itself may be a source of conflict one day and your friendship may be jeopardized because of it. I personally believe it's difficult to keep the two roles ('friend' and 'manager') separate because in one role, the dynamics are equal and in the other role, there is a hierarchy.

Be someone they can talk to

People need to feel comfortable enough to talk to their Team Leader when they’re worried or upset about something in the office. Even if you disagree with what they say, you can say so kindly, with arguments to the contrary – but hear them out first. Never make them feel embarrassed for opening up. Instead try to help them solve the problem either though mentoring or coaching.

Ask for feedback

Ask your team members what they think about the boundaries/rules you have set, how they affect them personally, because it’s important to bear in mind the needs of your team when setting them and to understand any challenges they may be facing as a result. Encourage them to come up with an alternative idea or solution if they’re not happy. This will show them that you care about what they think and that you value their opinion.

How to react if these boundaries are not respected

Mention the behaviour you didn’t like and explain why you didn’t like it. Be specific; describe what happened and when it happened. The intention shouldn’t be to embarrass them or to tell them off. That will just trigger a defensive reaction. The intention should be to help them understand how they crossed the line so that they don’t do it again – so it’s important (and more beneficial to you) to convey your concern clearly and in a non-judgemental way. It shouldn’t come across as an attack on their character because they won’t accept it and rightly so. Address the specific action/behaviour. And be willing to hear their side of the story - the outburst/inappropriate behaviour may be a sign of something deeper at play.

What you can do if you're accused of being rude, bossy, aggressive or offensive

It’s important to take someone seriously when they say they’ve been offended by something you have said or done, even if you think it’s ridiculous or an overreaction on their part. It may be hard being misunderstood in that way, but I would take it as a challenge. In my view, the challenge is a) to stay composed and not react emotionally, b) to be strong enough to hear them out without interrupting them, c) to get your point across as clearly as possible, d) to apologize if necessary.

If you still think that what you said or did was right, say so but tell them it wasn’t your intention to make them feel x, y and z in the process and that you’re sorry about that. This shows that you care about their feelings, even if you disagree with them. Don’t say “I’m sorry if you feel this way” – that’s not a genuine apology. That’s the same as telling them, "It’s not my fault you’re feeling this way. It’s your issue." Instead try “I’m sorry I made you feel this way – it wasn’t my intention at all.” Right there… you’re taking ownership. And they’ll respect you for it.

If on the other hand they’re making your blood boil, postpone the talk for another time. There are always consequences to reacting emotionally or defensively and even if you’re 100% right, people will notice the “noise” (expression, body language, how you’re making them feel) instead of what you’re really saying.

Final message

Overall, mastering healthy boundaries isn’t a piece of cake. It requires clear communication, frequent monitoring, self-reflection, being open to feedback and lots of self-control. But if the intentions are good, it’s worth it! Even if something goes wrong in the process (and it’s OK if it does because we’re all human), you can fix it – as long as the intentions are good i.e. to find a solution that is beneficial to both parties. Not to come out on top.

I hope this has been helpful and thanks again for trusting me with your query.

Wish you all the best! 😊

Ianthi